To Have a Good Life, Keep Making New Friends

In 2011 I trained with these aircraft fuelers for three weeks. I thought I was going to Afghanistan with them. I didn't.  They did. They cut the deployment list and I did not go, but we trained together, sharing the happiness and hardships of Army life.   

I recently talked to my uncle David who is in his mid-80s. He is very successful: an engineer who started his own company and sold it for more than $10 million when he retired.  In the 45 minutes we talked he would mention friends and colleagues who were in ill health, who recently died, or who were limiting their activity due to their age.  

He is part of successful graduating class at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology), has life-long friends and colleagues, and his friends, like him, are rich.  

David does not have friends half his age, or less.  Making friends requires having time to give or simply waste, and it requires equality. Over the past two decades, I have worked with, trained with, volunteered with, and just spent time with people who are half my age. I have made new friends during those years because we were doing the same tasks, with the same goal and we were peers.

My last job was at a museum and library of the history of science.  Non-profits tend to have a staff that is either just starting their careers or near retirement.  Since I worked in communications, many of my colleagues were in their 20s and 30s.  I was a writer who managed a program, so we were always peers on projects.  Because we were peers, there was always  a potential to make friendships.  Since my retirement, several of my former co-workers have been in book groups I was in. 

During the pandemic, a former colleague who got a big promotion was talking about the next step after Director of the Library. We laughed and laughed and decided to form the World Conquest Book Club, because it was one short step from Director of the Library to Ruler of the World!

Some of my co-workers became fellow protestors since 2016. I also made friends among my protest group participants.  We stand together in all weather, we face hecklers together and celebrate victories.

When I re-enlisted in the Army at age 54, I was an enlisted man. I made sergeant pretty quickly, but I was working and training with junior sergeants and enlisted men.  Some were half my age, some were a third.  The Army always has "hurry up and wait time" so we could talk and among a large group, find the people who we wanted to be friends with.  

And now volunteering with Razom, I am meeting many people I like, and a few who I really connect with. Most of the volunteers are in their 20s and 30s and Ukrainian. While we are making medical kits, as with serving in the army, we are all equal, doing a hot, dirty job, that really gives us the satisfaction of knowing we are helping soldiers in a noble cause.  

None of my life has a plan. I wasn't sure if I would have kids: I have six to nine depending on how you count.  I was sure I was done with the Army at age 27.  Then I wasn't. All of my childhood I wanted to be a truck driver and a soldier.  I achieved those life goals by age 19 then started on new ones.  

All of my life, I was a worker or manager of a small team, whether in white or blue collar jobs.  I made enough money to have all those kids and a nice life, but not to be rich.  When the opportunity to volunteer came up, I could go there and be just another pair of hands.  So this year, I could go to a New Jersey warehouse as a volunteer and simply be that pair of hands. And make new friends. 

Since I retired in 2015, I have been to many new places, done things I had never done before, and made new friends. The kind of people willing to stand in the rain and sleet to protest injustice; people with jobs and kids who make combat medical kits to help the soldiers fighting the invasion of their country; people who read, reflect and want to talk about the books that move them, and people who know the thrill of climbing a three-mile hill, then flying back down at either side of 50 miles per hour: these are my people.

One of the difficulties of power and wealth, is that it becomes more difficult to trust people--are they with you just to be near power and money? And, of course, if you have great possessions, to some extent those possessions have you. A couple with three houses and three cars has a lot of laundry to do and fenders to wash.  And they don't have time to just be another pair of hands in a warehouse in New Jersey trying to make a small difference and meeting the kind of people who strive for a better world.

Of course, keeping old friends is important too.  I just got back from traveling in Germany, Denmark, Sweden and Norway with my roommate from 1979 in Cold War, West Germany.  I am looking forward to my 50th high school reunion in October. Like ancient people, I think friendship very important to living a good life--indispensable.  And listening to other people close to or in the eighth decade of life, making friends throughout our lives is a big part of a good life.  

Fathers, the Army and Career Paths in America and France: A Delightful Conversation at Lunch

Professor Christian Amatore of the Ecole Normal Superieure

At an award lunch at a history of science event in Paris, I was seated with Christian Amatore, a professor emeritus of electrochemistry at the Ecole Normal Superieure (ENS). Christian is a bright, funny and out-going man who smiles easily.  He said he lived in America for two years early in his career in Bloomington, Indiana.  

We talked about how much we liked visiting each other's country then turned to the differences in growing up in America and France in the middle of the last century.  Christian had a straight career path that began at ten years old, when a teacher identified him as having potential for a science career.  

Christian was born in Algeria in 1951 and spent his early years on French Army bases.  His father emigrated from Italy after World War II, his mother from Sweden.  Service in the Foreign Legion was a rapid path to citizenship for his family.  Christian's father was a career sergeant who told his son to get an education and be one of the leaders, "or you will be a nobody."  

In 1970, he started college at ENS, beginning his PhD program in 1974 and completing it in 1979.  He was a professor after completing the PhD and three years later began two years of research and teaching at the University of Indiana.  

As we talked about his linear career path I told him of the twists and turns of mine. Christian never served in the military. His father looked back on the Army as something he did to have a better life for his family.  During the years Christian was completing his PhD I was 600 kilometers east of Paris in a tank on the east-west border. I started college in America in 1980 when he beginning his first professorship.

For my father, world War II was the best years of his life.  He went in the Army on the eve of the war in his mid-30s with an eighth grade education.  When the war began, the Army sent Dad to Officer Candidate School. He was commissioned, commanded a several small units and ended the war a captain, commandant of a Prisoner of War Camp for 600 German Afrika Korps prisoners. My father loved to tell stories and loved to tell war stories most of all. From the end of the war to his retirement, he worked in a warehouse.

Talking about our fathers and the Army led us to talk of Napoleon, who talented in mathematics and had a high regard for science.  We talked of how math was the basis of his success as an artillery officer.  Napoleon restored many of the academic institutions leveled during the Revolution. On Christmas Day in 1797 he was elected in the seat of Lazare Carnot in the Institute de France. 

Talking about war led us to talk about the peace in Europe during our entire lives. "During my entire lifetime there has not been a land war in Europe," Christian said. "That is unprecedented in European history."  We talked of Putin and the threats from Russia.  It was comforting to hear Christian discuss President Biden. He was simply talking about the decisions of the American President.  During the Trump presidency, no one I spoke with in Europe could quite believe what kind of person America elected.

Amatore in his habit vert of the Institute de France

Near the end of lunch, Christian gave me his email, writing it in my notebook. Neither of us had business cards, really showing we are fully retired people.  I said I would look at his work on the internet.  When he wrote his name he said, "If you look me up on Google, use my full name. If you Google Amatore, you might get a porn site."  Amatore is Italian for Lover.

We already exchanged email messages.  I was fascinated with electrochemistry a couple of decades ago when I worked for Atofina Chemicals so I will look up some of his research.  Christian has published more than 500 papers in electrochemistry and related fields, so there is a lot to look at.  

When I am in Paris, I often have lunch or coffee with friends. I hope to catch up with Christian on a future visit to Paris. 

Posts about traveling in France and neighboring countries in February 2022:

My favorite restaurant is a victim of COVID.

The Museum of the Great War.

The Waterloo Battlefield.

The Red Baron Memorial.

Chartres Cathedral.

High Performance Cars in a garage in Versailles.

Talking about Fathers and Careers at lunch.

A Facebook Post About Friendship--with all the comments

Cliff and I eating sushi in Poland--and joking about eating local cuisine.

[I posted this essay on facebook and got such good comments I decided to post it here with the comments.]

A few hours ago I left a weekend with my best friend Cliff Almes. We were roommates in the Army in the 70s. He stayed in Germany and is Bruder Timotheus at a Lutheran Monastery in Darmstadt. Modern life is obsessed with leadership. But leaders without friends are crippled. 

On the way to Germany I listened to a talk from a guy I disagree with on most things, but I agree with him on Friendship: Yesterday I was listening to a podcast from a recent conference in Aspen. The speaker was Republican Senator Ben Sasse of Nebraska. He was talking about problems in our culture now and in the future created by the digital revolution. 

But the last problem he mentioned predates the internet by a lot, by centuries to at least the beginning of modernity. Sasse said 29% of American women and 61% of men say their spouse or significant other is their best friend. Sasse said this means women are at least twice as good at making and keeping solid, deep friendships as men. At least. 

I can't speak for women, but a man who has no male friends is crippled in life's journey. I have known many men in business and in the Army who have made some public profession that their wife is their best friend and very privately told me of their "best friend" was going to make them choose between their marriage and the Army. 

Friendship is one of the Four Loves CS Lewis explains in his wonderful book of the same title. It is equal to romance, family love and charity. But a half century ago, Lewis said it was rare and becoming more so among modern professional men. Less so among women. Could you tell your best friend of the rush you felt when you confronted another man in public and he backed off? I could. 

My best friends are a firefighter and a monk, both veterans. They are also men and understand the rush of a fight. Men and women are very different in so many ways and those ways become prominent at moments of stress. 

To believe in the power of love seems crazy in the midst of our fractured world. 

But true, deep friendship, built over years and years proves just how love works. We choose our friends, and they choose us. All four loves are what makes a great life.

The comments from Facebook:

• • • Pete Lang

      I have been meeting with a group of men every week to talk about life for decades. They know me better than my wife ever will. I am not so good at the confrontation, but I understand the rush of when I offer my wisdom to another and you can see the light come in their eyes as they finally get “it”

      

      1

      • Love
      •  · 
        Reply
      •  · 1d
    • Shea IL

      I would add another category that I think essential. I think I first heard the expression from my kids - friend group. I think having a community of some sort is equally important. This is why bowling leagues, social clubs, etc evolved. Sometimes th… 

      See more

      

      2

      • Love
      •  · 
        Reply
      •  · 1d
      • Active

        Author

        Neil Gussman

        Shea IL oh of course. A group of friends is another dimension of friendship. Just as important.

        • Like
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d
      • David Pertuz

        Shea IL agree with this. I have a group of friends that I’ve been with for twenty years now - we go on vacations together, etc. - and they’re priceless.

        

        1

        • Love
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d

      Active

      
      

      Write a reply…
    • Suzanne Shelley

      Neil Gussman ~ This may be one of your best posts ever. I’d say you hit the nail on the head but there are so many nails mentioned in this thoughtful observation. So glad you got back to Darmstadt to see your best friend ~ seems you have been able to m… 

      See more

      

      4

      • Love
      •  · 
        Reply
      •  · 1d
      • Active

        Author

        Neil Gussman

        Suzanne Shelley Thanks Suzanne.

        • Like
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d
      • Suzanne Shelley

        Neil Gussman Pursuant to your post (capturing a terrific moment of coincidence), my brother just sent me this skit from SNL this weekend 

        https://youtu.be/9XOt2Vh0T8w

        

        YOUTUBE.COM

        Man Park - SNL

        Man Park - SNL

        

        1

        • Love
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d
        •  · 
          Edited

      Active

      
      

      Write a reply…
    • Sarah Lenora Gingrich

      Agreed. When we lived in Chile my husband would sometimes, for lack of fellow English-speakers, begin to talk with me about Nascar or football. Though seemingly innocuous, I know how very desperate that showed his situation to be, since I am not an e… 

      See more

      

      3

      • Love
      •  · 
        Reply
      •  · 1d
      • Active

        Author

        Neil Gussman

        Sarah Lenora Gingrich and if Dustin could see the light of true Motorsport in Formula 1 he could have even more friends!!!!!

        

        3

        • Like
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d
      • David Pertuz

        Neil Gussman Truth!!

        

        1

        • Love
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d

      Active

      
      

      Write a reply…
    • Meredith Hainsworth

      I’ve never understood having your spouse as your best friend. I have such a different relationship with Jeff than I do with my bestie. Both incredibly important people to me, but both relationships are so different. I think the strength in my relations… 

      See more

      

      3

      • Love
      •  · 
        Reply
      •  · 1d
      • Active

        Author

        Neil Gussman

        And we are embodied spirits in some form. We express ourselves in physical ways. In talking about Friendship in The Four Loves, CS Lewis says men and women can be friends, but when friendship "turns into" love, the phrase itself describes what happens. The characteristic posture of friendship is side-by-side moving toward a goal, working together, etc. The posture of Romantic Love is face-to-face.

        • Like
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 8m
      • Active

        Author

        Neil Gussman

        Meredith Hainsworth when men share hardship and danger those who are capable of friendship bond. It’s no accident my best friends are soldiers and racers.

        

        1

        • Like
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d
      • Active

        Author

        Neil Gussman

        Meredith Hainsworth When I did not recover full use of my left (dominant) arm last year, I realized I would never again throw a punch. I told a few friends. My wife would not share my moment of mourning.

        

        2

        • Like
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d
      • Active

        Author

        Neil Gussman

        Meredith Hainsworth I know. To say a spouse is one’s best friend says nothing about the sincerity of the speaker, but it says for sure that person does not understand friendship and most likely has no real friends.

        

        1

        • Like
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d
      • Colleen Stameshkin

        I could not disagree more. Husbands can be the best of friends, just as a person can have other wonderful close friends of the opposite sex. And also siblings as close friends, even if that often is far from the case. What matters in all these cases is the particulars of your relationships, which are different in every case, so to reason from only your own experience or that of your acquaintances can at best give you unreliable generalizations.

        • Like
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 3h
      • Meredith Hainsworth

        Neil Gussman and I do think that there’s a major problem in our society of men not being encouraged to feel emotion or be vulnerable or whatever and therefore turning to their wives to meet that need. Which is so sad

        

        2

        • Sad
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 1d

      Active

      
      

      Write a reply…
    • Leif Dolan

      I can't say that my wife is on the list of being a good and close friend. Sometimes she is a foe. We live together and have great love for one another.

      Friendship with other people is not clearly defined for me. I am friendly with my Rabbi, but would… 

      See more

      

      1

      • Wow
      •  · 
        Reply
      •  · 1d
      • Active

        Author

        Neil Gussman

        Leif Dolan as I said to Meredith when men share hardship and danger those who are capable of friendship bond. It’s no accident my best friends are soldiers and racers. Same for you it seems. It's also a matter of sharing lots of time. The Army gives people plenty of time to be stuck doing nothing and able to talk. I used to ride motorcycles. As with bicycles, the difference between those who race and those who ride is huge. My bicyclist friends are racers. Tourist bicyclists (like Harley riders) do not bond the same way.

        

        1

        • Like
        •  · 
          Reply
        •  · 7h
    • Michal Meyer

      The post and responses make for great reading.

      

      1

      • Love
      •  · 
        Reply
      •  · 1d
    • Colleen Stameshkin

      Maybe the disagreement here relates to what people mean by "best friend." I have had best friends in the past, by which I mean I could easily state that this particular friend was the person I liked best, wanted to spend the most time with, and truly l… 

      See more

      

      1

      • Like
      •  · 
        Reply
      •  · 1d
      • Active

        Author

        Neil Gussman

        Colleen Stameshkin Men are so different and male friendship expresses that difference. In the Army, and on loading docks where I worked, one way men point out their friends is by saying horrible things to and about each other in front of a group. It sounds like they hate each other but they are saying "I can say this to Tom, but if you say the same thing, Tom and I will kick your ass." Men also easily form groups and follow an alpha. Anyone who has coached both men and women knows how different men and women are in this way. It made the Army even more difficult for young women. With six kids, I was in a buzzing hive of sibling rivalry. I know siblings can bond, but competitive kids define themselves in opposition to siblings. Best friends in childhood seem to be a refuge from the tensions of family.

        • Like