Paula Poundstone Embarassed Me in Iraq!

Six years ago this month, Paula Poundstone made me collapse laughing.  She went on a rant about Pop Tarts on "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me."  It was so funny I literally fell on my face.  You can listen to her stand-up pop tart rant here.

It wasn't a long fall.  I wasn't hurt.  Except my dignity.  I was working out in the House of Pain Gym on Camp Adder in Iraq.  I was 56 years old.  I was surrounded by weight lifters in their 20s and 30s bench pressing 300+ pounds and listening to speed metal music.  I was listening to the "Wait Wait" podcast on my iPod.  It took 40 minutes to download on the anemic Camp Adder internet.

I had done just 10 of the 60 pushups I usually do when the host disparaged Pop Tarts as junk food.  Paula was outraged!!!  She went into a 2-minute rant on how Pop Tarts were in fact the secret of her good health and the greatest food ever.  On pushup 21 I collapsed laughing.

With the rant still on full tilt, I looked up and saw a couple of beefy metal heads looking at me.  More specifically they were looking at the old guy on the floor who collapsed doing pushups and was shaking.  They didn't know I was laughing.  For a second, I imagined myself trying to explain that I was listening to NPR and not Metal Music, then my senses returned.

I paused the rant, got up, and pretended I was done.  We could not wear headphones outside, so I grabbed my gear and walked over to my CHU (home) so I could finish listening to the podcast without looking like an old guy having a heart attack.

Clearly, Paula Poundstone made that rant on purpose just to embarrass me in the "House of Pain."

My First Day in Iraq, May 2, 2009

On my 56^th birthday, the ramp dropped in the back of the C-17 cargo plane at 1130 hours.  We had taxied to the edge of the airstrip.  More than 100 soldiers in battle gear struggled out of the five-across seats and walked down the ramp with short, unsteady steps. The same ramp in the picture above.

Heat shimmered on the concrete airstrip.  The air temperature was almost 120 degrees already.  The surface temperature of the airstrip was closer to 140 degrees. 

“Happy fucking birthday, Gussman,” said Sgt. Jeremy Houck when I reached the bottom of the ramp.  The baggage pallets were still on the plane.  We would have to wait for the bags, then hope for a ride to our new homes behind 20-foot blast walls here on Camp Adder.  

The base we were on was Camp Adder to the Army, Talil Ali Air Base to the US Air Force.  It would be home for the 28th Combat Aviation Brigade, me included, until January of 2010.  

On that day, the outside of me was hot, tired, confused and miserable.  I was wearing 45 pounds of body armor, carrying 50 more pounds of weapon and gear, and I was melting.

But underneath the sweat, I was soooooooo happy.  My dream was not comfortable or fun, but it was my dream.  I wanted to be in Iraq.  I enlisted during Viet Nam, but missed the war.  Ever since I was a little kid I wanted to be in the Army in a war.  Now 50 years later, I arrived.  

Trump Leads Chickenhawk Nation

Recently soldiers I serve with have become public fans of The Donald for Commander in Chief.  At first I thought they must not know how much Chickenhawks like him despised soldiers in the 1960s.  Then I realized they don't care.  They were born after Viet Nam ended and have no idea what it was like to live through that war.

During the Viet Nam War, our nation had a military draft.  If it worked, which it did not, anyone between 18 and 26 years old could be called to serve his country for two years.

Unlike World War 2 when many young men clamored to join the ranks, during Viet Nam most middle-class and rich kids from the northeast and the west coast avoided the draft through deferments.  The Donald had five such deferments.  Mitt Romney, Dick Cheney, Bill Kristol, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly and many other Conservative leaders decided not to serve.

And because the war was unpopular, they were barely making excuses.  Cheney had better things to do.  For others it was the "wrong war."  Really?  There are American soldiers fighting.  Are you an American?

The draft is a zero-sum game so for every draft dodger who did not go, a poor kid who could not afford deferments went in his place.  More than 50,000 soldiers died in Viet Nam.  Hundreds of thousands more were wounded or afflicted with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Whoever took The Donald's place is as likely as not dead, wounded or suffering from PTSD.

When I bring this up, one reaction is Bill Clinton dodged the draft.  He did.  But he did not go on to urge more war.  Many people I grew up with sang "give peace a chance" in the 60s and are still to the left of Bernie Sanders today.  But the "peace people" who became Conservatives once their draft eligibility ended are simply cowards.  They let someone else serve in their place and became Hawks once they were safe from actual service. I did not vote for Bill Clinton. I believed, as Conservatives used to say they believed, that character matters. Character is all that matters in a leader. I believe Bill Clinton damaged the Presidency badly enough that America could elect Trump. 

I can understand why people who define their world by who they hate would love Trump.  But how can people who have made the military their career vote for a guy who despises service.  Trump thought people who served in Viet Nam were chumps when he got his five deferments.  The glib way he dismissed John McCain says Trump thinks no better of soldiers now.





 

"Super Dad" Article Got Republished by 28th Division

An article calling me a Super Dad got picked up by 28th Division and posted on Facebook.  It was a good article.  It was fun to talk to the reporter.  We started talking about kids and sports.
Here is the link.

More on Lt. Col. Joel Allamdinger

Yesterday I wanted to get the post about Lt. Col. Joel Allmandinger posted quickly.  After I posted it I realized I forgot two links: one about racing in Iraq and one about his career.  

As I mentioned in the last post, Allmandinger won the Thanksgiving Day race on Camp Adder, Iraq.  The story is here on the New York Times "At War" blog.

The other story is about how Allmandinger left Army active duty after eight years of service in August of 2001, then re-enlisted after 9-11.  His story was in the New York Times on the 10th Anniversary of 9-11.  Here is the link.

The Best People Serve in the Guard

Command Team of Task Force Diablo at Camp Adder, Iraq, from the left:  Col. Scott Perry, Command Sgt. Maj. Dell Christine and Lt. Col. Joel Allmandinger.

This weekend one of the best soldiers I have served with since returning to the Army retired.  Lt. Col. Joel Allmandinger ended a 22-year career that began at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point and continued through service in Kosovo and Iraq as a combat Blackhawk helicopter pilot.  He was the Executive Officer of Task Force Diablo at Camp Adder, Iraq, in 2009-10 and Commander of 2-104th General Support Aviation Battalion at Fort Indiantown Gap from 2010-13.  I served with him the entire time.

He also happens to be THE best bicyclist I have ever served with.  He won the race I organized in Iraq and was the Sportsman National Champion in mountain biking in 2013.  We rode together up the 18 percent grade on Asher Miner Road on Fort Indiantown Gap and the five-mile climb up Gold Mine Road toward Tower City.  I was behind him at the top of both climbs, suffering.

The host and main speaker of Allmandinger's retirement event was Col. Scott Perry, our commander in Iraq.  Perry is also a U.S. Congressman.   Perry talked about how Allmandinger embodied Army Values all the time.  He is right.  I worked in the same office with both men for several months.  If Joel has a weakness, I never saw it.  And I certainly saw the dark side of many people during deployment.

As tough and self controlled as Allmandinger is, it was also clear when he was angry.  Most of the time I worked for him, he called me Neil.  But at Annual Training in 2013 at Fort AP Hill in Virginia, I screwed up and he let me know it.  I rode 300 miles on the bike in the eight days we were there taking pictures of training all across the 76,000 acres of hills and forest.  Among all that space was one strip of several hundred acres that is restricted.  I rode across that strip to take pictures of a refueling site.

As I rode across a Blackhawk helicopter flew overhead.  Less than an hour later, I got a seven-second message that is still on my cell phone in the archive that said, "Sergeant Gussman, this is your battalion commander. Call me when you get this message."  His voice was calm, but my only thought was "Oh shit!!!"  No doubt now who was flying that Blackhawk.

When I called back, he said he was both angry that I had ridden in the restricted area, and jealous because I got to ride and he didn't.  But he did not stop me from riding to take more pictures.  Many military leaders take one guy's mistake and make a policy to prevent something that will never happen again, just to cover their own butts.  Not him.  The mission really did come first in Virginia as well as in Iraq.

When Colonel Allmandinger spoke at his retirement ceremony, he thanked people from his entire career, from his time as a cadet to right now.  Toward the end of his speech, he said he was going to mention more people.  As I sat in the back of the room he said, "Sergeant Neil Gussman challenged me as an athlete, both in the Army and in civilian life."

Wow!

That was up there with the best compliments I have ever received.  He is one of the toughest soldiers I have ever served with, always among the best in any Army fitness challenge and great on the bike and a Tough Mudder.

Thanks, Sir!  I hope you don't miss military life too much.

Racing in Two Hours

In just over two hours I will be riding the first of two races at the National Senior Games in Minneapolis, Minnesota.  As fart as I know, I am the only current soldier participating in the games:  the minimum age to participate is 50.

I rode the course yesterday with my daughter Lisa.  My sons and I are staying with Lisa in Minneapolis where she is in grad school.

She is at her office now, but will be at the race with my sons.  Because participants FAR outnumber spectators at amateur bicycle races, I will most likely have the biggest cheering section at the game and the loudest.  Some of the riders will have a spouse on the sidelines, but they won't be yelling like my kids.

Yesterday when Lisa and I rode the course, we were talking about the corners, the other riders, where the attacks might come, how strange races are when there are no teams, and all of the specifics that are the conversation of racers.  Lisa raced bicycles form age 4 to 14 and was racing with women when she switched to cross country from bicycling.  Even ten years after her last race, she talks about racing and racing culture like she is still in the peleton.  Former players are the best fans.

Time to go and warm up.

Historians of Science Eat MREs

My Next Race on DVIDS

My next race is at the National Senior Games on the Defense Video and Image Distribution System, DVIDS, here.

Miser-Mom on Detecting Lies

My lovely wife Miser-Mom has a blog that could not be more different from mine.  She talks about frugal living and raising kids.  Today's post talks about a book she read and applied called "Spy the Lie" on how to extract the truth from terrorists, criminals and, as it turns out, teenage boys.  And excellent post on and excellent book is here.